Gratitude

I haven’t posted anything in a good long while, but I challenged Hollywood to join me in a 10 minute a day gratitude journal through Thanksgiving and I was going to post some of that pre-packaged writing here (see below) when it dawned on me that it’s now been a year since I started this blog. I guess it’s not a terrible thing that I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been busy doing things, not lying sick or in jail. And today is no different, I’m not committing any more time to this because I legitimately have better things to do. Gratitude rocks!

FREYADAY 11/20/20

So much to be grateful for today! I’m grateful for the found time this afternoon when AP closed for weekend. I’m grateful my mom asked for my help with her email and that I had time and energy to give freely and with patience. I’m grateful that my mom and dad are healthy and not fearful of getting sick. I’m grateful to have the windows open on a sunny day for what may be the last time this season. I’m grateful that my good friend the Divine Miss B reached out to check on me. I’m grateful that I can finally get to a meeting again tomorrow. I’m grateful to have a good strategy going in my bathroom set up without spending any money. I’m grateful I picked up some groceries yesterday so I can relax tonight and not worry about what to eat. I’m a pretty happy camper today.  

Saturnday 11/21/20 – over half way through this gratitude challenge – woohoo!

I’m grateful that I was there today for the other couple who showed up to the meeting, even if they didn’t need me. I’m grateful for the quality time spent with the Divine Miss B over diner eggs and toast. I’m grateful that I am back home again in my pjs now and that I don’t have anywhere else to go.  

Sunday 11/22/20 – Today I am profoundly grateful today for the rare combination of free time and awake time. Painting my chair and letting my mind go, I came to the realization that I behave as if the entire world outside is a natural disaster. It now requires such tremendous energy for me to go out and interface with the public, as I have now encountered a few situations in which I was feeling truly claustrophobic with a mask but circumstances prohibited me from removing it. Today I should be figuring out a way to get some more groceries in the house but instead I’m thinking about just making pasta and avoiding the Thanksgiving crowd. OMFG we need a vaccine for this damn virus. I’m grateful everyone I love has stayed healthy so far. 

La colère

 

I had a spiritually significant dream the other night. One of those dreams that you know means something but you have to puzzle it out afterwards. I was standing in my kitchen looking out my back windows at the yard below, and I saw a Baltimore oriole calling out to me. Under only a night sky, his golden breast feathers stood out in that unusual way that contrasting colors can pop in odd lighting – like seeing a familiar picture but with a filter that forces your eyes to shift focus.

 

Anyway, I looked it up and there was quite a bit to be gathered, depending on where you look. They can be seen as a return to, or a need to return, feeling the happiness of a child. The most general notion was that those brilliant yellow feathers augur some sunshine coming my way, a change of luck so to speak, likely within 2 weeks because that’s the gestation period for oriole eggs. So I’ve been on the lookout for the last couple of days for an opportunity to learn something or grow somehow. I think maybe that happened today.

 

I called Dr. X this morning to report that doubling the dose of hydroxyzine isn’t helping. It’s been a month since I started, 2 weeks at 60 mg a day, and there’s no improvement in my itching. (I just took a quick little research detour to find that an adult could take up to 100 mg per day for Urticaria, but I’m not the expert and I’m ok with that. They gave me a referral to see an allergist. I’m grateful and willing, but I also had to force myself to be a little more assertive than I like and push for another appointment in person because I still have this weird skin thing going on around my mouth. I checked my health record notes, and this started 9-10 months ago with a notable explosion after starting the hydroxyzine and still worsening today. I need to take off my mask and have him take a good look up close. It may well be that my picking, though I judge it as relatively conservative, is in reality an OCD freak fest and I need to lock up the sharp instruments. Or perhaps I have a rare virus from a faraway land. I’m cool with whatever, I just need to know. Straight from the horse’s mouth, although that analogy hardly seems fair because Dr. X is about the cutest little old doctor you ever met, mostly because you met him once before about 30 years ago.    

 

After work I met with Dr. A at her home on Druid Hill, and we sat in her backyard to review the results of my MMPI and donate blood to the local mosquito population. She requested clarification on some of my responses, as one might expect, and I told her about my oriole dream. I said I’d hoped I would sit down and she would deliver an unanticipated but resounding diagnosis from the test, a definitive direction for me to go. And as we chatted over my results, she did propose something quite poignant. Nothing from outer space, but certainly a rock that will likely get bigger as I try to turn it over. Discussing it there in a cool-rock-damp-moss-shade-oasis during a particularly hot stretch of a particularly hot season, I was ready for whatever Spirit handed me, and this felt like I was on to something. We haven’t spent much time talking about anger. Now I wonder if Dr. A has avoided proposing it before now for some good or interesting reason, which is exactly one of the pathologies my MMPI identified.  Ha!

 

I left Dr. A over 3 hours ago and now my OCD brain is literally running on empty (thanks, Dr. Jonice Webb, LOL) about my new journey into anger. Is this my bête noire? Is resolving this going to result in some significant breakthrough for me? Will my incessant itching finally go away? All after a crappy night’s sleep, an upset belly all day, and a full shift on a busy day at work. Besides writing this, I also took the time to update my health record just cause I’m an overachiever and I’m a poor judge of when to stop….good night.

Serenity Prayer

Ever since I quit drinking and got involved in recovery, I make efforts to maintain a good working relationship with my higher power. My spiritual practices take many forms, and these days I check in one way or another pretty much every day. Periodically I will draft a new version of a daily prayer, which I revise and edit according to my needs. Over time this prayer has been everything from some personalized variant on the traditional Serenity Prayer to a two-page conversation/affirmation listing specific objectives. Sometimes I go long stretches without looking at it, and other times I keep multiple copies around me. Today, almost a year from the last edit, I wrote up a new one. I haven’t posted anything in a while, so I figured this was as good as anything. I may go back and adjust the wording if I get an insight or a notion, but I’ve just printed two nice color copies so here’s what I came up with.

 

Goddess,

 

 

I surrender.

 

I release my will and my life,

All that I have and all that I am,

To your love.

 

Help me to let go of my assumptions and judgements

And open myself to receive your serenity.

 

Let me remember that I need your help,

And that your angels wear many faces.

 

Grant me comfort in acceptance,

Growth through the changes,

And the humility of true wisdom.

 

Show me how to let go of fear and grow in faith

As I trust in your design.

 

And if I am not able to surrender right now,

Grant me the willingness to keep trying.

 

So mote it be.

Sleep

All my life I’ve had a love-hate relationship with sleep. Always feast or famine, never balance. I could elaborate, but right now I need to get this out.

I overslept this morning. This is a minor disaster for me.

I went to bed at 22:15 and slept through my alarm, woke up at 11:45, called work to explain that my doctor’s appointment was running long (the appointment that I had just slept through) and rushed in 45 minutes late. I stayed an extra hour to try and quiet my self-flagellation. It’s almost 18:00 and I’m still feeling that disorientation I get whenever this happens. It occurs to me that:

• I have this overdeveloped sense of responsibility
• My sense of self-worth is strongly linked to my work ethic, and all the baggage that comes in that particular package
• I’ve been this way, be it nature or nurture or both, since far too early on in life
• The pressure of trying to live up to this ideal was a major factor in my alcoholism and continues to be a factor in mental health problems today
• Not showing up on time for planned commitments is practically the dictionary definition of irresponsibility
• I was not sleep deprived or otherwise compromised in any way to suggest that I might have needed more rest today
• I never heard the alarm blaring in my ear for however long it goes before it finally shuts itself off, nor did I feel Eli walking up and down my body to make me get up and feed them, nor did I hear any of them vomiting all the way from the foot of my bed right on down the hallway and into the kitchen. (Sadly, this has become a pretty regular thing) 

I’m honestly not really sure why I woke up exactly when I did, to my knowledge I didn’t have any control whatsoever over any of it. And that’s the problem, right there. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do, it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I have no control over it. And it’s impossible to explain this to people. Or at least it feels like it is. So I lie because I’m ashamed to look irresponsible and I can sell my lie far better than the shameful truth.

I’m trying to make peace with it by writing this because I have to accept the truth of this for myself if I ever want to be able to expect another person to understand. That way, if they don’t understand, (which is a distinct possibility), I can still be at peace knowing I did my best. Is that crazy?