I met DeAndre January 23rd around 19:30 down on Portland
in an undesirable neighborhood. I had scraped and flaked every little bit
possible and then some. My symptoms were at a literal all-time high and I was
coming unglued. My loser neighbor BJ was no help (why would he be?) so, in an
act of desperation I started cruising the city for some teotihuacán.
I pulled up next to a junky white pickup and hollered
through my passenger window. The guy in the passenger seat hollered back but I
couldn’t hear him, then I had to move because I was blocking traffic, then the
driver came out and asked me if I was willing to travel. I was shaking when I
jokingly replied that I wasn’t going to China. We drove a zigzag west through
side streets and finally arrived I don’t even know where. That’s when DeAndre
came over to my side of the car. I rolled down my window, looked him in the eyes,
and asked him to hop in.
You’re an angel. I’m sick and I’m losing
weight. This helps with the nausea.
I wasn’t lying.
I have a whole medicine cabinet full of
pills. My doctors loooove pills.
Oh, so true.
I’m over-sensitive to stimuli, like light
and sound. It dampens my senses so I can focus.
Again, I was being honest.
Yesterday I came home from acupuncture and lay down
on the couch to sleep. I drew the blanket up over my head and let my mind go
quiet, resigned to drifting away into the same gray nothingness as the day before,
and the day before that.
I’m losing my
life. The house just keeps getting worse. The litter boxes are an embarrassment. I’m
losing more ground each day, each week. I need to get up and find a way to power
through or I’ll never get it back to a manageable level. I need to try and have
some kind of a life, tired or not.
I got up and dug in. I was determined. I kept at it
for a good four and a half hours. It was like running uphill but I made good progress and felt inspired. My
back hurt when I was done, but it was a good hurt.
Hey, I printed it all out for you. Not to
change the subject, but is there any way you can hook me up tonight? Are you
free right now? OK, On my way with turkey and mashed potatoes.
Thank God.
When I got home I went right back at it. I stayed up
too late because I worked up such momentum that I couldn’t wind myself back down again. I got up this morning, felt tired and achy, and went to work at my job. And I’m writing this 24 hours
later with no naps.
Do I worry? Of course. I am always monitoring my
rate of consumption, questioning my motives, checking in with my higher power
about it, taking time to reflect on it here, etc. And then there’s that
ever-present guilty conscience I like to impose on myself.
Do I rationalize? Naturally. This helps like nothing
else does right now. It is already medically approved and helping a lot of
people. It will be surely be legal here soon. It isn’t nearly as dangerous as many
the of the pills I’ve taken as prescribed.
And DeAndre? He deserves his own post.
