Gratitude revisited

I caught myself in a moment of humanness today. I was grumbling to myself about how I can’t find a good set of ice cube trays that fit into my <$0.00 budget. The ones I have don’t stack, (I have 2 different sets of 2, graciously offered by a neighbor along with a nice bin for the cubes, and they are better than the dollar store kind I had before that.), so they take up a crazy amount of space in my freezer. Space that I need for food and ice packs to put on my spastic skin. Now, I use a lot of ice because I like my cold beverages to be super cold. Once the ice gets too melty or the liquid gets to warm, I dump it and get more. (HSP thing?) It’s one of those ridiculous little irritations that has been stuck in my craw for a while. (OCD thing?) But it’s the holidays and I shouldn’t be buying things for myself, especially when I already have so little to give away. And I’m thinking about all of the other “ridiculous little irritations” that I see all over the house. Ones that I long ago identified and set about correcting but still lay unfinished. My judgement these days is very much in question. (Anxiety/PTSD/Depression/Other...?) And then… wait.

Girl, check your privilege. You’re wasting precious energy on ridiculous little irritations.

I talked on the phone with Debbie the other day. Not too long because I can’t tolerate the untreated mental health, but we needed to collaborate on Timmy’s driving education. She started going off yet again about the casino cheating her and how she thinks it’s terrible that they take people’s money like that. My brain is searching for a quick and convenient way to get off of this track. Then she said something that I don’t think I’ve ever heard from her before. At least not quite like this.  

« I think I’ve had a hard life. I think I’ve had a much harder life than most other people. »  Yes, I would agree Debbie, I believe that you have. I’m telling the truth and I kind of feel that way too. I wonder how many other people feel like this. But no, Debbie, that doesn’t mean life owes you anything. If we all got what we deserved the world would be a very different place. I gotta run Deb. I gotta get ready to go.

This afternoon I realized that the reason my voice has become hoarse over the last several weeks isn’t entirely from dry winter air. I’m singing. This is new. When I’m working in the kitchen or driving in the car, I’m singing full-blast-don’t-give-a-damn-how-I-sound-but-I-know-I-could-never-sing-this-well-in-front-of-another-person because it feels so joyful. This is new. I’m putting as much love as I can into this holiday season because quality is going to have to be better than quantity, at least for the foreseeable future. I’m feeling so grateful for the opportunity to show others that I care about them and value them. That’s the best thing I can give. I wonder how many other people feel like this.