Sick

It’s the week in between Christmas and the New Year, so I’m sick. This has been true more often than not for me at this time each year, at least in adulthood. I would run myself into the ground trying to get through that mad holiday dash and my body would just give out. Not so much since I stopped working five years ago. In fact, this is the first time I have had steady, conventional employment in recovery, much less at the holidays. I hope that’s just a coincidence.

So I’m sitting here writing this because I don’t seem to have much energy for anything more. I’m on the mend now – I think – but damn. I don’t know if I still have a job or not so my anxiety is nagging at me in spite of my attempts to distract myself. 

Going into the holidays I hadn’t been getting a lot of sleep. I know the day after Yule, [which also happened to be a Self-care Sunday], I let myself flop and just sleep/rest/take it easy all day. But after that I went right back to eyes-popping-open-by-five-like-they’re-spring-loaded short nights. On Christmas I got there early so the presents were done well before dinner went in the oven. I kicked back the recliner, grabbed a fluffy blanket, and snoozed for a good while, maybe 1½ -2 hours.  She said I twitched the whole time I was out and was quick to offer coffee when I was getting ready to leave. I wonder if she saw that glazed-over eyes thing she claims she always saw when I was sick as a kid. It was a long ride home so when I got there I headed straight for the couch to kick off my shoes and cuddle up with my cats. That’s when it started and I didn’t get up long enough to put on my glasses and acknowledge life until around 11 am this morning.

There were sweats and chills throughout, intense itching the first half, headache the second, and intermittent diarrhea that caused me to soil myself. I got up to pound a cup of water once or twice and look at the empty bowls until I could gather the strength to get back up and fill them. I also changed clothes twice due to sweat or other fluids. Some time yesterday I checked my phone to see what I might have been missing and I saw the missed call from Sabrina.

Shit, I was supposed to be at work…when? It can’t possibly be so soon. What day is it? What time is it? Shit, I think it was today. Yep, (the calendar on the fridge confirms)it was today and I’m supposed to be there right now. OMG What can I do? I can’t go, hell, I can’t even sit upright. I can’t call, I can’t think long enough to put three words together right now. I might lose my job. There’s nothing I can do about this right now. OMG I gotta go lay back down. I can’t deal with this right now. Goddess, I have to give this one to you. I’m scared.

When I finally did get up and felt reasonably sure that I could stay up, I called the house. I didn’t want to call my boss directly if she had already left for vacation. No answer. Ten minutes later my voice came out shaky and yes, she had already left. I’m supposed to get a call back this afternoon, likely within the hour. 

OK, I guess I’ll just work on practicing acceptance. If it doesn’t work out then I guess this wasn’t my time or place. Hard to believe people once trusted me with their children’s lives.