Stop that

 Stop that. Stop that thing you’re doing where you’re constantly worried about something being wrong. Even when you are safe and loved and in your quiet space, there’s just always another layer a little deeper, another problem unsolved or question unanswered, another, another…

So stop that. Stop feeling pressured to root out once and for all that which has no root. Stop feeling guilty for not trying hard enough or for being too tired to try at all. Stop trying. There’s nothing there.

Surrender……..Walk away……..Turn a new direction

There’s nothing wrong. There’s nothing to feel guilty about. There’s no fatal defect in you nor is there any expectation for you to learn, grow, develop or progress at any given rate, if at all. In fact, it’s not even linear.

So let it go. Give it up to Spirit and ask to be shown a new direction.

I am now open and willing to accept whatever help Spirit sends me.

So mote it be.

 

Inauguration Day

Today is my dad’s 70th birthday. It’s also inauguration day for our new president and defeater of former president Donald Trump, Joseph Robinette Biden / VP Kamala Harris. I sent the old man 2 shirts and apologized in advance for no card in the mail. I’m sure he’s having a worse day than me.

I’ve been sick for pretty much the entire holiday season this year, and then some. It began with leaving work early on the 23rd “not feeling right” (shaky, nervous, thought I had low blood sugar…?), and having an emotional meltdown on the phone with Ivy about how I’m “not feeling right”, and all the historical garbage that brings with it. I spent Xmas eve and day alone at home out of (a) not feeling right (b) precaution for the health of my loved ones (c) a forecast that didn’t bode well for travel. I managed to pull it together long enough to see my folks on the 26th, but it was too much too soon and I came back home to – I assumed – go lay down and finish being sick. I went home and had a watered-down version of last year’s sick. I hypothesized that I am defenseless against some kind of bacteria that is prevalent in the environment at this time of year because my annual bout of poor health is so predictable. OK, I can accept that. I’ll adjust my expectations from now on.

After 3 days of being sick and struggling to maintain a rather questionable level of household sanitation, I scraped myself up and washed my smelly body, and then I waltzed right past all the mess to go celebrate my birthday with Ivy. Might as well try and salvage something of the holidays, right? The following days had me thinking I was on the mend. I went back to work, and I stayed late in a gesture to compensate for the time I’d missed. I started cleaning up my house and I caught up with friends and family that I’d missed. The new year arrived without incident and I thought I was fine.

Then I had a bizarre concurrence of odd symptoms. I realized that my left ear had suddenly filled up with lots of swishy swooshy liquid that refuses to drain even still. No pain, and I can even feel it moving from a Qtip (yeah, yeah, I know, ur not sposta do that, blah, blah, phooey) The following day I awoke with a sty on my left eye. I shrugged it off, whatever. 

On Sunday night the 10th I started feeling sick again, which turned into a 9 day involuntary fast. I couldn’t keep anything down, including my meds. I was sweating buckets at night in bed and waking up chilled. Wednesday I went to an after-hours clinic and tested negative for COVID. They took a urine sample, but couldn’t get a vein in either arm for an IV. They gave me a shot for my nausea. They said I was dehydrated and showing signs of starvation, and that I should consider going to the hospital if I didn’t get better by the following day. The following day I tolerated some chicken broth. There, I’m ok, I don’t need to go to the hospital. I managed to start getting plenty of water down, too. I found I could sneak a bit of cracker in here and there. A quarter cup of rice and Chinese vegetables. My body was resisting, but I wanted to push through. A little time and patience. I was really trying. I kind of detached from my physical body to get a turkey sandwich down, trying not to focus on the smell or the texture or the act of chewing and just get it down before my body had a chance to reject it. But that was as far as I got. After that, food had taken on new dimension. Well, not new, just a new high score.

[It was as if food, or even eating for that matter, became unnatural to me. Like a man getting pregnant, or those unfortunate folks who are driven to eat inedible substances. I felt like Seven of Nine. Ivy sees nachos, and I see a pile of fabric scraps covered in barbecue sauce. This new take on food and eating first appeared sometime about a year ago when I was trying acupuncture. I had dropped a lot of weight the year prior and dealing with what was already a well-established appetite problem.]

I had a dream. I saw the face of one of my guides for the first time. She asked me if I needed help. I was clearly disoriented and having all kinds of problems that I  found myself trying to explain away when I finally just gave up and said, well, yeah, I guess I do…  Then I woke up. I talked with Dr. A and she helped me come up with a plan. I called Angelina Hawk and had her take me to the doctor, they said it was likely viral. Then she took me to the pharmacy for my nausea meds and my  Mirtazapine, which I had been lacking for a week but was too sick to pick it up. Who knew it was going to be this bad for this long!?! I went home, took my medicine, and went to bed.

The following day I was so weak I could scarcely move. I decided to give up on trying to figure this out and just go straight to the top. After she finished work, Angelina Hawk delivered me to the emergency department and told me she loved me. They gave me a gurney in the midst of the chaos to lie down and cry with my mask over my face and my sleeve over my eyes. They took blood and urine, and administered fluids and meds. Four hours later Fergie agreed to come pick me up without hesitation and without notice. I called him my knight in shining armor and slipped him a 20 before I went inside to bed.

Today I woke up feeling refreshed and optimistic. I sipped some ginger ale and composed a list of grocery items that I thought sounded appealing. I ended up feasting on fresh raspberries and white garlic and mushroom pizza, as if eating were never easier. Then I sat down to write this. It’s been too long now so ttfn.

 

over-and-out

Gratitude

I haven’t posted anything in a good long while, but I challenged Hollywood to join me in a 10 minute a day gratitude journal through Thanksgiving and I was going to post some of that pre-packaged writing here (see below) when it dawned on me that it’s now been a year since I started this blog. I guess it’s not a terrible thing that I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been busy doing things, not lying sick or in jail. And today is no different, I’m not committing any more time to this because I legitimately have better things to do. Gratitude rocks!

FREYADAY 11/20/20

So much to be grateful for today! I’m grateful for the found time this afternoon when AP closed for weekend. I’m grateful my mom asked for my help with her email and that I had time and energy to give freely and with patience. I’m grateful that my mom and dad are healthy and not fearful of getting sick. I’m grateful to have the windows open on a sunny day for what may be the last time this season. I’m grateful that my good friend the Divine Miss B reached out to check on me. I’m grateful that I can finally get to a meeting again tomorrow. I’m grateful to have a good strategy going in my bathroom set up without spending any money. I’m grateful I picked up some groceries yesterday so I can relax tonight and not worry about what to eat. I’m a pretty happy camper today.  

Saturnday 11/21/20 – over half way through this gratitude challenge – woohoo!

I’m grateful that I was there today for the other couple who showed up to the meeting, even if they didn’t need me. I’m grateful for the quality time spent with the Divine Miss B over diner eggs and toast. I’m grateful that I am back home again in my pjs now and that I don’t have anywhere else to go.  

Sunday 11/22/20 – Today I am profoundly grateful today for the rare combination of free time and awake time. Painting my chair and letting my mind go, I came to the realization that I behave as if the entire world outside is a natural disaster. It now requires such tremendous energy for me to go out and interface with the public, as I have now encountered a few situations in which I was feeling truly claustrophobic with a mask but circumstances prohibited me from removing it. Today I should be figuring out a way to get some more groceries in the house but instead I’m thinking about just making pasta and avoiding the Thanksgiving crowd. OMFG we need a vaccine for this damn virus. I’m grateful everyone I love has stayed healthy so far. 

La colère

 

I had a spiritually significant dream the other night. One of those dreams that you know means something but you have to puzzle it out afterwards. I was standing in my kitchen looking out my back windows at the yard below, and I saw a Baltimore oriole calling out to me. Under only a night sky, his golden breast feathers stood out in that unusual way that contrasting colors can pop in odd lighting – like seeing a familiar picture but with a filter that forces your eyes to shift focus.

 

Anyway, I looked it up and there was quite a bit to be gathered, depending on where you look. They can be seen as a return to, or a need to return, feeling the happiness of a child. The most general notion was that those brilliant yellow feathers augur some sunshine coming my way, a change of luck so to speak, likely within 2 weeks because that’s the gestation period for oriole eggs. So I’ve been on the lookout for the last couple of days for an opportunity to learn something or grow somehow. I think maybe that happened today.

 

I called Dr. X this morning to report that doubling the dose of hydroxyzine isn’t helping. It’s been a month since I started, 2 weeks at 60 mg a day, and there’s no improvement in my itching. (I just took a quick little research detour to find that an adult could take up to 100 mg per day for Urticaria, but I’m not the expert and I’m ok with that. They gave me a referral to see an allergist. I’m grateful and willing, but I also had to force myself to be a little more assertive than I like and push for another appointment in person because I still have this weird skin thing going on around my mouth. I checked my health record notes, and this started 9-10 months ago with a notable explosion after starting the hydroxyzine and still worsening today. I need to take off my mask and have him take a good look up close. It may well be that my picking, though I judge it as relatively conservative, is in reality an OCD freak fest and I need to lock up the sharp instruments. Or perhaps I have a rare virus from a faraway land. I’m cool with whatever, I just need to know. Straight from the horse’s mouth, although that analogy hardly seems fair because Dr. X is about the cutest little old doctor you ever met, mostly because you met him once before about 30 years ago.    

 

After work I met with Dr. A at her home on Druid Hill, and we sat in her backyard to review the results of my MMPI and donate blood to the local mosquito population. She requested clarification on some of my responses, as one might expect, and I told her about my oriole dream. I said I’d hoped I would sit down and she would deliver an unanticipated but resounding diagnosis from the test, a definitive direction for me to go. And as we chatted over my results, she did propose something quite poignant. Nothing from outer space, but certainly a rock that will likely get bigger as I try to turn it over. Discussing it there in a cool-rock-damp-moss-shade-oasis during a particularly hot stretch of a particularly hot season, I was ready for whatever Spirit handed me, and this felt like I was on to something. We haven’t spent much time talking about anger. Now I wonder if Dr. A has avoided proposing it before now for some good or interesting reason, which is exactly one of the pathologies my MMPI identified.  Ha!

 

I left Dr. A over 3 hours ago and now my OCD brain is literally running on empty (thanks, Dr. Jonice Webb, LOL) about my new journey into anger. Is this my bête noire? Is resolving this going to result in some significant breakthrough for me? Will my incessant itching finally go away? All after a crappy night’s sleep, an upset belly all day, and a full shift on a busy day at work. Besides writing this, I also took the time to update my health record just cause I’m an overachiever and I’m a poor judge of when to stop….good night.

Serenity Prayer

Ever since I quit drinking and got involved in recovery, I make efforts to maintain a good working relationship with my higher power. My spiritual practices take many forms, and these days I check in one way or another pretty much every day. Periodically I will draft a new version of a daily prayer, which I revise and edit according to my needs. Over time this prayer has been everything from some personalized variant on the traditional Serenity Prayer to a two-page conversation/affirmation listing specific objectives. Sometimes I go long stretches without looking at it, and other times I keep multiple copies around me. Today, almost a year from the last edit, I wrote up a new one. I haven’t posted anything in a while, so I figured this was as good as anything. I may go back and adjust the wording if I get an insight or a notion, but I’ve just printed two nice color copies so here’s what I came up with.

 

Goddess,

 

 

I surrender.

 

I release my will and my life,

All that I have and all that I am,

To your love.

 

Help me to let go of my assumptions and judgements

And open myself to receive your serenity.

 

Let me remember that I need your help,

And that your angels wear many faces.

 

Grant me comfort in acceptance,

Growth through the changes,

And the humility of true wisdom.

 

Show me how to let go of fear and grow in faith

As I trust in your design.

 

And if I am not able to surrender right now,

Grant me the willingness to keep trying.

 

So mote it be.